Jokes Page - 2

This page contains a collection of jokes from my father's book 'English Jokes' published by Vignan Publishers, Guntur, India.

• Why did the nutty kid throw butter out of the window?
           He wanted to see the butter fly.
• Who can run but can't walk? - Water.
• Where can you find 'happiness' always?
               In the dictionary.
• Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either.
• Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by the feminine water-power.
• What do liars do after they die? - They lie still.
• Why is the river rich? - It has two banks.
• A crossword puzzle enthusiast died, he was buried six down and three across.
• What eight-letter word has one letter in it? - Envelope.
• Marriage is an institution where a man loses his bachelor's degree and a woman gets her master's degree.
• I felt sorry for myself because I had no shoes
  until I met a man who had no feet.
• The only 'Golden' thing woman dislikes is silence.
• Marriage: a ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the Lady and through the nose of the Gentleman. - Herbert Spencer.
• In the United States, strangely many couples do not believe in a United State.
• Matrimony. Most bachelors agree, is not a word, but a sentence.
• The new dictionary for masochists: It has all the words, but they are not in alphabetical order.
• Sign in wall paper and paint store: "Husbands choosing colors must have a note from wives."
• A man fell asleep in an audience. The speaker stopped and asked a young boy sitting beside the man to wake him up. The boy said, "Wake him up yourself- you put him to sleep."
• "Waiter, I find that I have just enough money to pay for the dinner, but I have nothing to give you a tip?"
  "Let me add up that bill again, sir."
• After the Bombay Stock Market crashed, an investor was asked if he was a bull or a bear. "Actually", he replied, "I'm an ass".
• What is the difference between a mental asylum and a college?
  You will have to show improvement, when you go out of a mental asylum.
• Sri C P Ramaswamy Iyer declined Judge's post
      I can talk nonsense for 2 or 3 hrs a day
      I can't listen to nonsense all day, everyday.
• No beautiful girls are appointed as police constables.
  Men will take law into their hands.
• Why are you walking along with a donkey?
  This is a dog, not a donkey
  I'm talking to the dog, not to you.
• A nurse entered the operation theatre carrying a garland. The patient asked, "What's that for?"
  The nurse replied, "it is for the doctor, if the operation is successful. If not, It is for you."
• A rising film star is asked the difference in life before and after becoming a film star.
  She replied. "Then, I could not afford to buy the clothes I wanted. Now, I cannot afford to wear the clothes I buy, If I have to rise as a star."
• "My wife can talk on any subject on the surface of the earth".
  "My wife needs no subject at all but can talk."
• One man to a friend. Your wife had a terrific attack of coughing in the church. Everyone turned to look at her."
  Second man: That was no coughing really. She was wearing a new hat.
• First Lady: "I'll never marry a man who snores."
  Second Lady: "But how can you find out?"
• A young wife asked her husband to change the diapers of the baby.
  Husband: "I'll do it the next time."
        He meant next baby.
• Man proposed to lose weight.
  Wife said, "Think of me when you diet. I'm proud of your decision."
  later Man at the office during lunch hour.
  "I lose my appetite when I think of my wife."
• A man went to the US and returned to England. Someone said, "You spent dollars and brought back pounds."
• A young girl was asked to write composition on 'My Great man'.
  She came home and told her father that she wrote about him. Father was flattered and asked why she chose him.
  She replied, "I could not spell Arnold schwarzenegger."
• Three persons were sentenced to death by electric chair. When the first man was made to sit on the chair, The switch didn't work. So he was left off. The same thing happened to the second one. When the third man sat on the chair, he pointed out that the switch was not working because one of the wires was hanging loose. It was rectified and he was put to death.

Some one-liners

• Intelligence is like underwear. One should not show it.
• Jail bird to inmate: My wife will get me out soon. She never lets me complete a sentence.
• Which birds cannot fly? Jail - birds
• Many firms go out of their way to offer me credit, for which I might say, I'm deeply in debited
• Short becomes shorter - if you add 2 letters. Beings with T, ends with T, full of T - Tea for
• I want to see the entire world - Buy an Atlas.
• You can't pat on your back and cry over your own shoulder - Have a friend.
• Happiness is a perfume. You can't give it away without getting a little on yourself.
• Doctor: A person who cures your ills by pills and kills you with his bills.
• Which thing always flies, but does not go anywhere? FLAG
• Advice is like castor oil. Easy to give, difficult to take.
• Statistics is like a bikini. What is revealed is interesting, what is not revealed is more interesting.
• Beauty in women is that potent alchemy which always turns men into asses.
• A beautiful woman is a paradise for the eyes, hell for the soul and purgatory for the purse.
• Even books on "How to be happy without money" cost more than I can afford.
• Basic research is not the same as development. A crash program for development may be successful. But for basic research is like trying to get nine women pregnant in the hope of getting a baby in a month's time.
• A professor is one who talks in some one else's sleep.
• The more waist, the less speed.
• Wives are usually their husbands' mental inferiors and spiritual superiors. This gives them double instruments of torture.
• Why can't a deaf man be convicted?
          You can't convict a man without a hearing.
• Which is swifter Heat or Cold?
           Heat. You can catch cold easily.
• What ship has two mates and no captain?
           Courtship.
• What is put on the table frequently, cut several times, but never eaten? A pack of cards.
• Why does the statue of Liberty's hand measure only 11 inches and not 12?
  Then it will be a foot.
• Why did the moron take a ladder to the party?
           He was told that it would be on the house.
• What is wrong with Donald Duck's name?
           It should be Donald Drake, Duck is female.
• 'C' is a magic letter. It converts ash into Cash.
  'B' strangely hot. It makes oil boil.
• A race-horse can throw down thousands of people at a time.
• Prisoner No 66 used his credit card -folding Knife
• One advantage of being married - you can't make a fool of yourself without hearing about it.
• Clothes make a man, but his wife's break him.
• No woman wants a perfect husband, because it leaves nothing for her to do.
• There are more than 200,000 useless words in the English language, and at some committee meetings, you hear all of them.
• The husband has to make money first and his wife has to make it last.
• If a man stands with one foot on a hot stove and his other foot in a freezer, some satisfactions would assert that on the average, he is comfortable.
• Race horse named- "Bad News" - travels faster.

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Jokes Page 1