Jokes Page - 1

This page contains a collection of jokes from my father's book 'English Jokes' published by Vignan Publishers, Guntur, India.

'I have discontinued long talks on account of my throat,' the speaker remarked, 'several people have threatened to cut it'.

Three college students were discussing their programme for the night.
What'll we do tonight? Asked one.
I've an idea, said another, let's toss a coin. If it's heads we'll go the club dance. If it's tails, we'll go to the movies. And if it stands on the edge, we'll study.

Villager to Newspaper editor: 'My father has died. I want his obituary to be published. How do you charge for it?'
Editor: '50 rupees for an inch'
Villager: 'My Good God! My father's height is six feet."

An absent - minded professor was traveling by train. The ticket examiner came and asked the professor for his ticket. The professor anxiously searched all his pockets - but could not find his ticket.

To put him at ease, the ticket - examiner said,' Don't worry, Sir, you might have bought one.'
The professor exclaimed "It may be all right for you, but how do I know where I am going?"

Four Rail passengers were discussing the losses incurred by Railways.
One said, "I think it is due to bad management"
Another said, "It might be due to pilferage"
The third one said, " It is due the old equipment used"
The fourth one said, "It is due to late running of trains"
Meanwhile somebody remarked that the ticket - inspector was coming. All the four ducked under their seats.

Judge: "Now, tell the court how you came to take the car?"
Culprit: "well the car was standing in front of the cemetery and I naturally thought the owner was dead."

Do you want to make somebody happy to-day? Then mind your own business.

Teacher : You in the last bench; give me two pronouns?

Inattentive Student : (Puzzled) Who? Me?

Teacher : Right, sit down.

Teacher: What is the future tense of 'marry'?

Boy: 'Divorce'

A book by name 'How to hold up a bank?' was published and many burglars bought it eagerly. It turned out to be a book on soil erosion.

A man came across a book in a book-shop titled 'How to Hug'

He eagerly bought it and took it to his bedroom to read. It turned out to be the 6^th volume of an encyclopedia.

A patient nervously approached a doctor. "Sir, I feel an itching sensation inside my tummy."

The doctor said, "I have to operate on your tummy."

"What is the need for operation, doctor?"

"I'll have to take out the inside part of your stomach and scratch where it itches"

The patient was on death-bed. The doctor said, "You are going to die. Do you have any last wish?"

The patient groaned, "yes, call another doctor."

 Jokes Page 2