Stop exchanging horror stories

Extracted from Don't Sweat the Small Stuff With Your Family - Richard Carlson

This strategy is particularly suited for people who live together. It's a common phenomenon for two people, whether they work away from home or stay at home during the day, to come together in the evening and spend a great deal of time and energy exchanging "horror stories". More specifically, what I mean is that the bulk of the conversation is geared toward all the rotten and horrible things that went on during the day. Discussions include how difficult and tiring the day was, how many demands were placed on you, the irritations you had to face, the inconveniences, the bad experiences, the difficult moments, the demanding children, the insensitive bosses, and so forth. It seems many of us want to be sure that our spouses or living partners understand how difficult our lives really are. 

There are several reasons why I believe this habit is a big mistake. First off, most of us have precious little time to spend each day with our loved ones. It seems to me that, if we have a difficult day, it doesn't make any sense to re-create it in the evening. The act of thinking about and discussing the negative events of the day is tantamount to reexperiencing them. This creates an enormous amount of stress and is emotionally draining. 

Second, focusing too much on the negative parts of your day is self-validating. In other words, it serves to remind you of the pressures and difficulties of daily living, thereby convincing you that it's appropriate to be serious, heavyhearted, and uptight. 

The simple act of eliminating, or at least reducing, the amount of energy you spend telling your horror stories has an almost instant and in some ways magical quality of making you feel better about your life. It's not that you don't have extremely difficult and serious things to deal with - we all do - it's just that commiserating with others about these difficult parts of life costs far more than it is worth. As you let go of this tendency, you'll be reminded of the better parts of life. It will be easier to remember and think about the loving and kind aspects of life, those things that went right and went well, the parts of your life that you are proud of and that nourish you. You'll also notice that when more of your attention is on the positive aspects of your day, your spouse or living partner will quickly follow suit. Most people, when they break this all-too-common habit, find that focusing on the positive is far more interesting and a great deal more fun. New doors will open in your relationship, and new interests will develop. 

Please understand that I'm not suggesting that it's never appropriate or useful to share what's going on-including the worst things - with your loved ones. At times, you may want to, or even need to. There are many exceptions to this strategy. What I'm suggesting you get away from is the abuse of this tendency. Rather than making it a regular part of your evening, something you do without question on a regular basis, see if you can reduce it to an occasional thing that you discuss. Obviously, you want to be honest about your true feelings, but I've found that it can be richly rewarding to leave some of the negative behind. Before jumping in, you might ask yourself, "What is this going to accomplish?" Or you might ask, "Is sharing this information going to brighten either of our days, or is it going to bring us down? Is it going to bring us closer, make us more intimate, or is it going to be one more reminder of how difficult life can be?"

I think we all know that life can be extremely difficult and tiring. I also believe that most of us take it as a given that we must deal with hassles each and every day. The questions are, Does sharing all the gloomy details do any good? Does it have true value? And despite the fact that I'm as guilty as anyone else of abusing this tendency at times, I've found that, a vast majority of the time, sharing negativity is counterproductive at best and an interference to a quality, relaxing evening.

I encourage you to give this suggestion a try. The next time you feel like sharing information on how horrible or testing your day has been, see if you can keep it to yourself instead. My guess is that you'll discover it to be a truly healing thing to do.